I honestly don't know where to start, so here goes:
Are you a different person now than you were in high school? Do you look back and think that you were more of a misinterpretation of the bible than you were a representative of who Jesus really is? I don't know about you, but that was me.
I grew up with people telling me that church was about rules and regulations, and how to get into heaven and hell. And of course, those are extremely important things, and those are the first steps you need to take when becoming a christian. But what I wasn't told was that the greatest part about knowing Jesus was actually knowing Him. Talking to Him everyday, listening to Him, singing and dancing for Him, seeing what He'll do for you through your obedience and patience... The list goes on and on.
But when I was in high school, I didn't know about these things. I just went around trying to get people saved, but not even understanding grace myself. Sure, I tried to do what the preacher was asking me to do. I didn't go out and party- not because I desired to do so, and was restricting myself. But because that's not something that I cared for. I would've much rather been practicing my music, studying actors in movies, or reading. That was just my preference. So that wasn't really a sacrifice, was it- if I didn't want it in the first place.
I had a weird dream night before last and it haunted me all day yesterday. And when I say "haunted," I really mean it. It was such a heavy burden on my heart all day, and still is. I'll tell ya why: I have dreams of high school ever so often- mainly to do with having a new schedule and not being able to attend everything. Which, really. Makes no sense. Whatever. Psychologists out there? Let me in on that;) But this dream was different. One of the guys I used to occasionally date came to find me as I was getting ready for a show. He told me that he wanted me back for good. And that he wanted me to be with me. But I didn't think it was about that at all, personally, because he just wanted to be near me, not be with me. The feeling I was getting was not that of a man/woman relationship, but that of pure hope. That is what it felt like was coming from this person. I think it was not me that he wanted. I think that he wanted to have, in him, the person I had become. In other words, I think I had finally come along in a way that made people understand the Jesus that I do now, and they wanted it too.
I didn't know Jesus as a friend back then. I knew Him as a disciplinarian. But He's much much more than that. I let people tell me he was all about rules and regulations without doing the research myself. I didn't search out the true meaning and reason for the gospel. And I made some poor choices in my high school days. I'm sure we all did. But I feel a great responsibility on my shoulders because of who I proclaimed to know back then. I didn't truly know what He was about then, and I was trying to run around "saving" everyone. But why would've anyone wanted what I had when they were out having just as good a time as me, maybe even more, in their own eyes? Why restrict themselves to a lifestyle that seems like it's all about rules and regulations?
I had someone from high school recently tell me that they were sorry that it took them so long to come around to know The Truth like I did. But you know what? It probably took me just as long to come around as it did them. The person who told me this was someone who was always challenging my faith. And most of the time, I didn't have an answer for them. That was all my own fault because I didn't dig myself into The Word. You know why? Because, honestly, I thought it was boring. That is, until I stepped out into the real world and had no advice except the bible. When I started really reading it, is when I came to know Jesus. The real One. Not the One you see in preachers on television today telling you that, with Jesus, you can manipulate any situation to have a prosperous life. Not that one. He also wasn't the Jesus that restricted me from having an enjoyable life. I found that that Jesus doesn't exist. Guess who created this world and all things in it? Yeppers. Don't you think He wants us to have a better time than anyone? You get it? Life is better when you come to know the One who created you and this whole world! The Jesus I came to know? The One who will keep you going when the going gets tough. The Jesus who gives me a life of no worries. The Jesus who makes me happier than I've ever been. I came to know the Jesus that gives grace. Grace that, only through Him, the only perfect person ever, by dying on the cross, can cover my sins. The sins that I am, to this day, ashamed of.
But the only release of those is through God's grace. And it feels so good once you do.
You know, before every basketball game, our coach had us recite the Lord's prayer in a large circle. I personally used to pray it to have God on my side. That's not really the point is it? To pray to have God with you through a basketball game so that you can win, as if, in His name? That almost sounds blasphemous to me! Now when I pray that prayer, I really listen to the words. And I pray it every day. It always starts off my prayer time with God better than any other prayer I could think up on my own. You know why? Because that prayer is the prayer that Jesus said to pray. Did you know that? He said that this is the kind of prayer you should say (and mean) when talking to God. Kind of your Skeleton Prayer. The back bone of a prayer, you get me?
So to all those I went to high school with, I'm sorry I wasn't who I should've been. You know what makes a good witness? One who doesn't go around shoving it in your face. A good witness is someone who just quietly lives it and lives it boldly. I went around wanting people to be saved from hell. I made some poor choices with boys a lot of the time. I didn't get to know people in a way that I wish I would've. I was too concerned with myself. Not exactly the point, is it? Sure, we definitely need to get to the bottom of eternity as soon as we can because you never know when your last day might be. So my mistake wasn't there. But I made it all about that. I didn't know any better, honestly. But that's no one's fault but mine.
I mean this with all my heart when I say this: Life is meaningless without what I have now. And don't look to me or anyone else as a representative of all this church and Jesus stuff, okay? Do the searching for yourself. That's how I found what this whole God-thing is all about.
And now I know, it's everything.
You live, you learn. And I hope you can forgive me.
Everyone wants their own hype testimony, a great story to tell about how God turned your life around completely, scooped you up and changed your life for the better. And I'm just now discovering my testimony. Sure, it's not about, say, "I was a drug addict with no hope, job, family, etc. And then Jesus came and brought me to my feet..." La di dah. No. My story is that of a mediator. Someone who was always living on the borderline but never crossing over. I think many of us, especially in the United States, are like this. We're good people. But that just leaves us on the borderline right along with those who don't know Jesus at all. And so I've asked God the past few years what my purpose is. We all wanna have an important purpose on this earth, right? I'm discovering mine. Sounds silly, but here it is: to shake things up. To make people think. That's it. Yeah, I'm a singer. I write. I dance. I act. I do stunts. Who cares? That's my "job." But my purpose? To make you think. To shake it up a little. That's all. But the more I look at our blessed country, and how little most people think they need God, I see how important that is. Sure I find myself having to live boldly, and that's hard sometimes. But I love it.
Your purpose is just as important. I hope you're searching for it. 'Cause it feels so good.
-Tara K
To listen to their music, head to iTunes.com, and search out:
29:11 The Plan!
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